If you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: fear of long words.

Warning: the consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

You look like the result of a dare.

Whoever coined the phrase "quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore, and you sleep alone.

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

You were born with a silver spoon and somehow still tasteless.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?